Normally Halloween isn’t a scary time of year for me…but this year someone just released some new photos of Bigfoot…and holy f’ing hell I’m scared now!
I’ve always been terrified of Bigfoot every since second grade when my brother showed me a book with a picture of Bigfoot carrying a helpless camper wrapped up in their sleeping bag like a big human-filled Hot Pocket. That son of a bitch (sorry mom) told me it was real, and I’ve been convinced ever since. Most people poo-poo the idea that an animal can evade human capture and discovery these days. But people is dumb. Bigfoot is real…and I will prove it with some simple answers to the typical questions…
Q. Oh yeah, a-hole? Well, how can Bigfoot hide in populated areas?
A. Think about it this way - a well-trained Army Ranger could evade discovery in Central Park for years! Now imagine a big, smart “ape” in a big forest...he could evade detection indefinitely.
Q. But what about the “poo”? An animal this big has to take giant, super-stinky craps that we’d find.
A. Bigfoot is a primate…a big monkey…all monkeys are contractually obligated to fling poo… so obviously the Bigfeets fling all of their poo somewhere far away that we don’t look…like the tops of trees or the roofs of nearby Hardees.
Q. OK Mr. Answer Lady, what about the bodies of dead Bigfeets?
A. Well, again…a simple answer. Bigfeets hump and eat their dead…sure it makes for larger craps that they must fling…but it is an efficient ecological way to stay hidden and get some good eats.
Q. If Bigfoot is real why hasn’t someone found a pic of him in Google Earth yet?
A. Well smarty pants, Bigfeets aren’t dumb. All they would have to do is wear banana hats so that they would look just like a fruit basket when the satellite imagers take the pics.
So obviously, Bigfeets is real. If my explanations didn’t convince you…take a look at the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization’s take…go here.
I’ve always been terrified of Bigfoot every since second grade when my brother showed me a book with a picture of Bigfoot carrying a helpless camper wrapped up in their sleeping bag like a big human-filled Hot Pocket. That son of a bitch (sorry mom) told me it was real, and I’ve been convinced ever since. Most people poo-poo the idea that an animal can evade human capture and discovery these days. But people is dumb. Bigfoot is real…and I will prove it with some simple answers to the typical questions…
Q. Oh yeah, a-hole? Well, how can Bigfoot hide in populated areas?
A. Think about it this way - a well-trained Army Ranger could evade discovery in Central Park for years! Now imagine a big, smart “ape” in a big forest...he could evade detection indefinitely.
Q. But what about the “poo”? An animal this big has to take giant, super-stinky craps that we’d find.
A. Bigfoot is a primate…a big monkey…all monkeys are contractually obligated to fling poo… so obviously the Bigfeets fling all of their poo somewhere far away that we don’t look…like the tops of trees or the roofs of nearby Hardees.
Q. OK Mr. Answer Lady, what about the bodies of dead Bigfeets?
A. Well, again…a simple answer. Bigfeets hump and eat their dead…sure it makes for larger craps that they must fling…but it is an efficient ecological way to stay hidden and get some good eats.
Q. If Bigfoot is real why hasn’t someone found a pic of him in Google Earth yet?
A. Well smarty pants, Bigfeets aren’t dumb. All they would have to do is wear banana hats so that they would look just like a fruit basket when the satellite imagers take the pics.
So obviously, Bigfeets is real. If my explanations didn’t convince you…take a look at the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization’s take…go here.
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